she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
