Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
