Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
