I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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