just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize