I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
