My hand turned me down
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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