I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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