you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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