At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
