apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
