You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
