I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
