You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My underwear smells like fireworks.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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