How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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