did you get engaged???
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
