dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
