Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
