I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
