3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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