her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
