I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
