I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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