Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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