can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
