Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
