I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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