Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
