the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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