I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
