Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
