Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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