my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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