She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
