ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize