I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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