maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
