I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
