Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
