My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
