Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
