its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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