I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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