mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
