you guys were way drunker than both of me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
