ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
