Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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