I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
