We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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