there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
