Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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