From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
