My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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