I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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