It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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