I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
