soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
