John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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