I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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