Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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