remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
