I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
