apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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