I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
