i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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