I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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