why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
