he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
