I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
